Just Be YOU

My friend shared this saying with me...The version of me you create in your mind is not my responsibility. I have no idea who originally had this thought, but her timing in sharing it with me was perfect!!

The last few years have been a roller coaster for me with a few relatives. Well, it's honestly, probably been more than a few years really, but the recent years have brought the greatest challenges and hurts to date.

RELATIVES...it's probably one of the simplest words, with the most diversified meaning.

Me (like most, I assume), long for our families to be our people, our tribe, our defenders, our cheerleaders, our safe place. And our expectations are extremely high for loyalty and trust in the ranks.

Well that's just not realistic. Family members are just like any other human...they're flawed and they have their own stories, their own lives, their own struggles.

So why does it hurt so much more when it's the people closest to you, or the people that you 'should' be closest to???

It's simple...your expectations are greater than reality.

How to stop torturing yourself and causing your own self-inflicted pain, is the real question???

For today, I'll give you the short version of one of my most challenging battles (someday I hope to be able to put into words this season better, but I'm just not there yet on the inside).

My parents divorced last year after nearly 37yrs of marriage. With that has brought a lot of emotions and changes. One of which for me, is my mother walking away from me. For her, the reasons are justified...but for me, there's no justification that could ever be enough to walk away from a child (at any age).

That's where my expectations over reality have kicked me right in the behind. I have had my mother on a pedestal, above all other humans. I have envisioned/believed my entire life that because she's my mother, that she could never give up on me or leave me. I mean, it seems as if an unbreakable bond should be there between a mother and a child, right?

For her it's simple...she's trying to rebuild and forget and erase everything about the past. Well, that includes me, I'm part of the past.

For me, I'm trying to build a new tomorrow with the reality of what is. What is...is that my parents are still my parents, no matter whether they're together or not. Therefore, we should be able to all navigate and overcome the hard, to create a new way of living and existing with each other. I don't want to take sides. I don't want to envision a day where I can't celebrate the big days with both of my parents by my side at the same time. I have had many feelings and thoughts about both sides really, but that's just it...they're mine and they don't belong being acted out towards either of them. I don't want to and most importantly I DON'T HAVE TO! I can choose to love them both, flaws and all...just as I have been given the same grace and freedom from Above. 

For my mother though...my neutral zone stance of wanting to love and be a part of both of their lives still...was in fact a betrayal, and to her I picked a side. And she's hurt. And she's run all over telling some pretty tall tales of my character, leaving out a lot of truths that don't fit into her 'side' of the entire story. And you know what...some have believed her. Some have completely turned their back on me, judged, and convicted me without even so much as an investigation. Some wrote me off just for the simple fact that they take issue with my Dad, and since I still have a relationship with him, well that makes me guilty by association. And that has been hard! It has been so damn hard to loose a mom, an aunt, an uncle (x2), and even some friends.

Loosing people you thought you never would...well it does something to your insides. It opens the door for doubt. Doubt of yourself...did you really do something so wrong? Doubt of your worthiness? Doubt of who can you really ever trust again? Doubt of who else is judging you? Doubt that nothing is true or real in life anymore? You name it, I think I've felt it. Some are short lived feelings that you can shrug off pretty easy and fast, while others linger. Some days I feel like I'm on the other side...and other days I feel like I'm in quicksand. Some days I've been so paralyzed and afraid of more judgment, that I won't even leave my house and interact with strangers who know absolutely nothing about me or this season. I've passed up making new friends, or hanging out with old friends, just to avoid more 'it could happen again' loss. Healing is a process for sure. And being patient with yourself and where you're at is an ongoing struggle.

I've been trying to focus more on reading...reading all the positive, all the overcomer quotes/stories, all the victories. It helps to fill  my head with all the AHmazing possibilities of how this story could end one day. But even in the hope, there is still lingering on again, off again hurt right now.

But for today...my dear friend, my battle buddy sister...she made it a bit easier to keep on keeping on!! I already knew it, but apparently I needed to be reminded (yes AGAIN!)...I need to be me! And I need to just let other people think what they think, whether it's true or not, because it's none of my business anyways. My friends will never ask for an explanation, and my enemies will never accept one.

So if that means I loose some of the 'should' be's...then that's just going to have to be ok for now. Maybe one day, the doors will open again for restoration in some of the loses. But for now, the best thing I can do is to work on fulfilling my gift of who I'm supposed to be, and what I'm supposed to do. I need to just focus on being ME!

​ Never Give Up!!