My friend shared this saying with me...The version of me you create in your mind is not my responsibility. I have no idea who originally had this thought, but her timing in sharing it with me was perfect!!

The last few years have been a roller coaster for me with a few relatives. Well, it's honestly, probably been more than a few years really, but the recent years have brought the greatest challenges and hurts to date.

RELATIVES...it's probably one of the simplest words, with the most diversified meaning.

Me (like most, I assume), long for our families to be our people, our tribe, our defenders, our cheerleaders, our safe place. And our expectations are extremely high for loyalty and trust in the ranks.

Well that's just not realistic. Family members are just like any other human...they're flawed and they have their own stories, their own lives, their own struggles.

So why does it hurt so much more when it's the people closest to you, or the people that you 'should' be closest to???

It's simple...your expectations are greater than reality.

How to stop torturing yourself and causing your own self-inflicted pain, is the real question???

For today, I'll give you the short version of one of my most challenging battles (someday I hope to be able to put into words this season better, but I'm just not there yet on the inside).

My parents divorced last year after nearly 37yrs of marriage. With that has brought a lot of emotions and changes. One of which for me, is my mother walking away from me. For her, the reasons are justified...but for me, there's no justification that could ever be enough to walk away from a child (at any age).

That's where my expectations over reality have kicked me right in the behind. I have had my mother on a pedestal, above all other humans. I have envisioned/believed my entire life that because she's my mother, that she could never give up on me or leave me. I mean, it seems as if an unbreakable bond should be there between a mother and a child, right?

For her it's simple...she's trying to rebuild and forget and erase everything about the past. Well, that includes me, I'm part of the past.

For me, I'm trying to build a new tomorrow with the reality of what is. What is...is that my parents are still my parents, no matter whether they're together or not. Therefore, we should be able to all navigate and overcome the hard, to create a new way of living and existing with each other. I don't want to take sides. I don't want to envision a day where I can't celebrate the big days with both of my parents by my side at the same time. I have had many feelings and thoughts about both sides really, but that's just it...they're mine and they don't belong being acted out towards either of them. I don't want to and most importantly I DON'T HAVE TO! I can choose to love them both, flaws and all...just as I have been given the same grace and freedom from Above. 

For my mother though...my neutral zone stance of wanting to love and be a part of both of their lives still...was in fact a betrayal, and to her I picked a side. And she's hurt. And she's run all over telling some pretty tall tales of my character, leaving out a lot of truths that don't fit into her 'side' of the entire story. And you know what...some have believed her. Some have completely turned their back on me, judged, and convicted me without even so much as an investigation. Some wrote me off just for the simple fact that they take issue with my Dad, and since I still have a relationship with him, well that makes me guilty by association. And that has been hard! It has been so damn hard to loose a mom, an aunt, an uncle (x2), and even some friends.

Loosing people you thought you never would...well it does something to your insides. It opens the door for doubt. Doubt of yourself...did you really do something so wrong? Doubt of your worthiness? Doubt of who can you really ever trust again? Doubt of who else is judging you? Doubt that nothing is true or real in life anymore? You name it, I think I've felt it. Some are short lived feelings that you can shrug off pretty easy and fast, while others linger. Some days I feel like I'm on the other side...and other days I feel like I'm in quicksand. Some days I've been so paralyzed and afraid of more judgment, that I won't even leave my house and interact with strangers who know absolutely nothing about me or this season. I've passed up making new friends, or hanging out with old friends, just to avoid more 'it could happen again' loss. Healing is a process for sure. And being patient with yourself and where you're at is an ongoing struggle.

I've been trying to focus more on reading...reading all the positive, all the overcomer quotes/stories, all the victories. It helps to fill  my head with all the AHmazing possibilities of how this story could end one day. But even in the hope, there is still lingering on again, off again hurt right now.

But for today...my dear friend, my battle buddy sister...she made it a bit easier to keep on keeping on!! I already knew it, but apparently I needed to be reminded (yes AGAIN!)...I need to be me! And I need to just let other people think what they think, whether it's true or not, because it's none of my business anyways. My friends will never ask for an explanation, and my enemies will never accept one.

So if that means I loose some of the 'should' be's...then that's just going to have to be ok for now. Maybe one day, the doors will open again for restoration in some of the loses. But for now, the best thing I can do is to work on fulfilling my gift of who I'm supposed to be, and what I'm supposed to do. I need to just focus on being ME!

​ Never Give Up!!

After Dad and I finished writing the book, and I decided to re-build and re-name this blog...the domain 'nevergiveup' was already taken. Immediately it was so clear that 1...5 was the most appropriate add on. The verse Jeremiah 1:5 holds a special place in Dad and I's journey to healing. I will never forget receiving that piece of mail with the above photocopy and note enclosed. It was definitely a pivotal turning point that stuck...even if it wasn't an immediate 'fix' for our relationship.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Here's some thoughts on this subject from my Dad too...
In April of 2002 my journey with Jesus Christ began. It was at this time I learned of his saving grace. He began changing my heart instantly and He's still shaping it more and more everyday.

I, of course, have made many mistakes in life (and I still do), but His grace and love for me never ends. It never changes! My greatest struggle, or at least one of them, is catching myself more caught up in rules rather than relationship. Some habits just die hard.

I don't know exactly when, but within the first couple of years of my new journey, I discovered a scripture in the Bible...Jeremiah 1:5. It's where God tells Jeremiah that He formed him in his mothers womb and approved him. In this exact moment, I made the connection in my heart that He made me and everyone else. And as I kept hearing those words, I realized he also made my children, and down on my knees I fell. I was called to be the Dad, but He was their creator.

During this particular season, I was working on pursuing a better relationship with my daughter, but wasn't seeing much light. She was hurt and mad and I was the source of a good part of that.

Fast forward just a bit, and one day I was reading a small devotional by Joel Olsteen (30 Thoughts for Victorious Living).  When low and behold, day 7, was about Jeremiah 1:5. And this time, I made an additional connection with this verse. My daughter's birthday is on the 7th. And in this exact moment, I was deeply corrected. It was so very clear to me, I had failed at being her father, but I was willing to change, to put in the work.

Change wouldn't come easy, because unconditional love isn't easy. We want our love to be reciprocated. And it would take some real time for that to be Melissa and I's story.

​This was, and still is, one of the best things God has taught me in my  journey with Him....God loves no matter what and He is calling us to do the same. This is a heart condition. It doesn't mean every relationship results in total restoration. It ultimately takes 2 people for this kind of restoration Melissa and I have experienced.

I will be forever grateful for the revelation of Jeremiah 1:5 and how it changed my heart about all the people I come in contact with. God doesn't make mistakes and I will celebrate His creation until I go home. He's the real hero, the MVP!
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
To this day, this verse rings so deep and meaningful to me. In all the darkest places of judgments, betrayals, abandonment, and more....I know that there is a constant who cares about me, believes in me, loves me, and will NEVER leave me. That kind of comfort brings so much peace and joy over a heart filled with the pain of life's hard seasons. My heavenly father thought enough about me to create me...no matter what I've been told or shown at times. That is something I (of course) wish I could have learned much sooner, but I also will forever be grateful to have learned it exactly when I did.

Friends, if you're struggling right now to fit in, to be accepted, or to feel loved....please don't fret about that. You already are perfectly imperfect to Him. You are LOVED & you are APPROVED ALWAYS, no matter where you are in your journey. People will let you down sometimes. People will hurt you sometimes. People are just that...people, and we all fall short at times and stumble. But His promises are a guarantee, an unbreakable commitment to us all. He's the real deal!!
​
NEVER GIVE UP!!

I started this blog a few years back, with a different idea in mind. I was embarking on a new journey to run a small business selling clothes. Then...well...life happened. Storms came, and I was convinced I wasn't worthy of sharing myself anymore. A lot has happened over the last few years and if I'm being completely transparent...I still don't feel worthy of being heard. But you know what, I'm going to step out on the ledge anyways. I'm going to start sharing my feelings, sharing my crafts, sharing my recipes, sharing my pictures, sharing my life...and the rest I'm going to leave up to God. He's going to make this all be what it's supposed to be...I just need to worry about fulfilling my part.

So....here it goes! The time is NOW! I've renamed, re-domained, and am now working on rebuilding this blog from basically a blank canvas again!!

What's up first?!

A shameless plug of the recent, during Covid-19, new book release. Yep! That's right. My Dad & I have published a book. You can find all the information by clicking 'BOOK INFO' at the top of this page. It took us two years to finish this book from start to finish. More than 1,300 miles separated us when we began the journey...and now as we finished it, only about 4 miles (for a season that is of course) separates us.

The journey has truly been incredible! We've grown and learned so much more about one another through getting it all down on paper. Dad and I have experienced true redemption in our relationship. The kind that has loved ones doubting, judging, and not celebrating with us and for us. Officially announcing and releasing our book has been filled with all the emotions for me...from pride, to fear, to doubts, to shame, to excitement, to complete heartache...you name it, and I've probably felt it. It's easy to get trapped in the hamster wheel of why are people who should be celebrating with me, not? It shadows the truth and shifts your focus on the NOT people, instead of allowing you to focus on the beauty of what IS happening (more on that another day).

If you're interested in a quick read, that's packed full of emotions about a broken father-daughter relationship, that (spoiler alert) ends with hearts full of grace and redemption...then you're going to love our book! I promise, no bias reviews here ;)

 For more information...click 'BOOK INFO'  at the top of this page.

To order...visit     https://www.amazon.com/Never-Give-Up-Fathers-Pursuit/dp/173424352X/ref=tmm_pap_swatch_0?_encoding=UTF8&qid=1596831253&sr=8-2

And please, if you do read it, come back here and let us know...Dad and I would love to hear from you!!

Never Give Up